


To See The Shore

by litnerdhood



Series: tumblr prompts [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen, alfred just wants to be there for jason, comfort with comfort ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litnerdhood/pseuds/litnerdhood
Summary: Jason tries to get a few books from the manor without meeting anyone. Alfred finds him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> thank you again to the wonderful komadoriwonder for looking over this fic and making it better <333

Jason shouldn’t be here. 

Coming to the manor to ‘borrow’ a few of his favorite books was a terrible idea… but here he is. The weather is dreadful, snow reaching up to his ankles, the cold biting into his skin as he creeps up to the side of the manor, close to his old window. 

The security system is down, which means Alfred had stayed home instead of going to the stores like he usually does around this time. But that doesn’t phase him. Jason was trained by the best. Alfred won’t even know he was there. 

He isn’t avoiding Alfred. He’s not.He’s only keeping his distance so he won’t crumble and break down in front of those gentle, sharp eyes that always seem to see right through everything Jason wants to hide in the back of his mind. Alfred just knows him too well. Even after he came back to life, their conversations have never turned to his death or his resurrection and Jason wants to keep it that way. 

It’s not the first time Jason has been in the manor, to his old bedroom, since his death but it certainly feels that way. The heavy weight that settles on his chest when he sees his books on the shelves, the bed reminding him of all the nights he would spend awake, burning the midnight oil as he read into the morning hours instead of sleeping. 

It’s a bitter reminder of all that he lost, but he only has himself to blame in the end. 

He exhales a shaky breath as he stands in front of his bookshelf staring at them, drinking in the titles and colours and sight and smells and memories each individual hardcover and paperback brings with it. He reaches out to touch the edge of one, fingers lingering on frayed edges, but before he can pull it off the shelf, he hears his door open, startling him. 

Alfred stands in the door, calm and collected as he always is, as if Jason's presence is welcomed instead of an unpleasant surprise.

Maybe it is. All the invitations for Christmas and Thanksgiving or any of their birthdays should have been enough to prove that to him. But Jason had never answered them, he had never thought it was a good idea. He had been in denial that anyone would actually want him to be a part of this family again.

“Master Jason.”

Alfred stands there calmly, relaxed, smiling at him with warmth in his eyes. There is no sign of tension in his body or in the space in between them, only in Jason.

“Alfred,” he says softly, his voice is hoarse before he gathers all of his strength to act like people expect him. “Sorry. For breaking in, I wanted a few books.”

Alfred steps closer causing Jason to flinch, confusion, uncertainty in his eyes, before the butler hugs him. Jason stands there in silence for a moment, words fading from his mind as he returns the hug with a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut and hiding his face in Alfred’s shoulder. 

“I’ve missed you, Master Jason,” Alfred whispers. And it takes everything from Jason not to break down crying right there. 

“I missed you, too, Alfie.”

His eyes burn from unshed, restrained tears. This is exactly why he had been avoiding Alfred. Alfred who always welcomes him with an embrace, as if nothing has changed. His heart burns with the gnawing homesickness he has experienced these past months away from Gotham, but he can't help but dwell on the warmth that was now spreading in his chest, like it had so many times during his days as Robin. 

Alfred steps away from him, his hands resting on Jason's shoulders. 

“Come now,” Alfred says with a smile on his face, eyes filled with happiness as he “You haven’t been home for months.”

“Yeah,” Jason agrees, awkwardly, suddenly ashamed. “Sorry for vanishing on you...”

“And on the family,” Alfred adds when Jason doesn’t say anything else. 

“I’m not really sorry about that part,” Jason mutters, but seeing Alfred's look, he shrugs. 

It was the truth even if Alfred doesn’t agree with him. Jason being here doesn’t mean anything, he’s only here for his books, and Alfred. He doesn’t want to meet the others, doesn’t care that he hasn’t seen them for three months. He only left two messages: one with Damian, the other with Alfred without giving away any information as to where he was going. He knows that the next time he’s on patrol, the bats will all creep out of their belfries, find him and question him. 

Leaving Gotham for a while seemed like a good decision, and he’d enjoyed his time away from the city. It had helped to separate him from his trauma, the bad memories associated with this place, the hurt. But some wounds were harder to heal, and his nightmares hadn’t gone away, even when he left the city.It was naive thinking they ever would. 

_ Nothing _ was worse than waking up in a cold sweat, fighting for air until he suddenly realises that, no, he isn’t in a coffin; he’s in his apartment. Alive and safe. The nightmares are exhausting, not sleeping only two to three hours is downright suicidal in this hero business. But Jason survives, so who cares. 

Alfred does. Jason can see it in his eyes as the butler searches his own, the lines of worry, the questions, the sadness that reaches out to him saying  _ ‘I care’ _ .

_ Damn it. _

Jason bites his lip and looks away. He should leave before the questions start. Even if Alfred is the only person he’d ever talk to about his life, his nightmares, where he'd been the past month. It still didn’t mean he wanted to. 

“Your message indicated that you would be away for less than a month,” Alfred says as he prepares the tea for them after they’ve relocated to the kitchen. Jason sits down at the table to avoid getting in Alfred’s way. 

“Never believe half of the things that come out of my mouth,” Jason answers simply. “You know me.”

“Yes, I know you quite well,” Alfred says, ignoring the first part of his statement. 

Jason’s heart twists in his chest as he sees the trust he'd thought he’d lost after his resurrection. Sometimes he wishes Alfred would hate him, it’d be so much easier to leave this house behind if he did.

But Alfred doesn't hate him. Alfred always stands beside him, is always there for him if he needs help. He cares about him… and Jason can't imagine why anymore. 

“You haven't been sleeping well,” Alfred notes, handing Jason a cup of tea.  

“I sleep enough to almost function like a normal human being.” His voice thick with unconcerned sarcasm, but the bags under his eyes betray how his nights usually go. 

Alfred frowns, but Jason can't feel any worse than he already does. 

“It's not as bad as it sounds,” Jason insists, putting his hands around the warm cup. “I'm fine, I feel better than before.”

Jason craves the understanding Alfred shows him. It was one of the things he missed the most, the conversations with Alfred had always helped him to soothe his mind. 

Alfred sits down across him, enjoying his own tea. “Are you avoiding me now, Master Jason? You could have come in the door instead of sneaking in.”

“No, I'm not ... ’ Jason stammers, his fingers twined together as he contemplates how to express himself without hurting Alfred’s feelings. “It — it's not that.” 

Alfred waits patiently for him without any malice or disappointment.

“I —I can't keep up with you,” he starts. And it sounds stupid even to his own ears, but Alfred doesn't laugh at him. “You're here with your understanding, supporting me and… “

Jason cuts himself off and closes his eyes for a moment to stop himself from crying. 

“How do I even deserve you?” Jason’s voice wavers.

His sight blurs and he turns his eyes away from Alfred to save him from witnessing his tears. Swallowing his sobs doesn't get rid of the lump in his throat. It doesn't help that Alfred stands front of him, hands on Jason's, squeezing it firmly. 

“Jason.” Alfred voice is gentle as he lifts Jason's chin up to look him in the eyes. “You deserve my love just as much as the others. You are alive, right in front of me, and I cannot miss the chance to get to know my grandson again as an adult.”

It isn't an answer to his question but it breaks something in him. He hides his face as hair falls over his eyes, shielding his tears, his body shaking from the silent crying. His tears trace patterns down his cheeks, and it's the second time Alfred puts his arms around him today. 

“Please, don't leave,” Jason gasps between sobs. “Please, don't give up on me.”

“That will never happen. I will always be here for you.”

Jason believes him. 

It's the only thing he can do. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! if you leave a review, I'll love you forever <33


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